kagablog

yes, you twisted boy-

since you gave us something tonight i thought i’d bounce something back to
you here,
in terms of a response to your screening…yes…was something new to react
to that,
in some way felt that what the performers were doing, in terms of seeing how
far they
could go…(the girl trying to see just how far she could stretch her skin
before
the hooks ripped her back right open), was also being expected of the
audience…
we all became complicit in this challenge, in this game, to see how long one
could
keep watching without allowing one’s eyes to drift to the side of the screen
or to
go right out and throw right up, kind of thing…at least i was…

went through a distinctly queasy phase there, though more so the fool for
having drunk
that wine on top of the codeine laced sinutab…so broke into a real nauseas
claustrophobic
sweat…but mercifully escaped the cloying by taking an interest in the
expression of
the finite form of the flesh and meditations on mortality…and was
interested in
how the eating of the blood was seen as the ultimate low/high point, when
the symbolisation
of that cannibalistic unity is undergone thoughtlessly by so many billions
every sunday…
was also thinking about how if some of these are abused people
(in terms of what you were saying about one of the girls & also your line
with the
japanese porno queen in that “she learnt to enjoy the rapes”), then this
surely a very
healthy thing for them to be doing…instead of feeling ashamed about what
happened to
them, and how they feel about discipline and punishment…and what memories
and desires
they carry within them…rather let them show the world…for sure…

i thought that in terms of the body…i mean in terms of that ultimate place
beyond
narrative, and representation, it seemed kind of contradictory to be filming
something,
or trying to “capture” this experience…i mean, in terms of the naked
actor, the brute
core flesh…etc…experience….

in terms of aesthetics…i don’t now…i think one would have to become cold
in order to
enjoy it in the abstract…it would have to be a pretty unemotional
aesthetic…as they
tend to be…

it seemed a strange thing to me a while ago when you said something about me
seeming to
be unemotional, or something, or at least my writing…”chilly” i think was
the word…
and yet it’s hard for me to recognise or realise the emotions you may or may
not experience…
because they can seem pretty brutal…which is a different idea of emotion,
i mean the very opposite
of what one normally associates with the more traditional realm of emotions,
such as “soft”
and “romantic”, and so on and so forth…what are they then?…energy &
passion?…
can strength be an emotion?…and courage?…and derring-do?…is intensity
an emotion in
its own right?…or a nuance of others?…i don’t know…it’s hard to
imagine you feeling
surprise or embarrassment or even sustained sorrow…though i can imagine
you feeling
glad and angry…

…you’re a disturbing guy, man…you have these incredibly insightful and
completely
rational explanations…and the world you describe yourself as seeing really
fits
together like a perfect jigsaw…i mean, your world really makes sense, you
know…and yet
it makes the ordinary world seem perverse and bizarre and unreal and
dishonest…(should
that be an “and yet”?…maybe just “and”…)

okay, well…some ideas…some reflections…if i have nightmares tonight
you’re fuckin’
paying for my therapy…

anton krueger.