Pizza Bunny Exposed!
Cheese, sleaze, and dirty knees for the youngster in us all!
Looking back on certain fucked-up aspects of my childhood lately–and, believe me, there are a lot–I recently got to reflecting on how our local Pizza Bunny family restaurant franchise was the most completely fucked-up place I’ve ever been to in my life.
Whoever came up with the Pizza Bunny concept must have been some fat, greasy pervert. It was a loud, flashy combination of video games and singing animal robots surrounding tables where you could eat crappy food. In that way, Pizza Bunny was like a lot of other chain restaurants, but more of my friends managed to get molested there in a shockingly short amount of time than any other place that I can remember.
It’s all still so vivid to me: Pizza Bunny’s waste-soaked playgrounds and ball pits and tunnels and hard wood and hot slides that I would split my lips on because I would slip and fall. There were also tube slides I’d get stuck in and almost suffocate because some lard ass decided to go ahead of me and plug the shit up. This was by far the dirtiest, most disgusting playland I’ve ever been to. Still!
First and worst of all, there was this area which could not have been designed for anything else except for defiling the innocent. It was a room that was about 12 feet by 12 feet and whatever genius designed it decided that it would have lights that would go on for about 20 seconds, and then flash on and off, and then it would stay dark for like two full minutes. More than enough time to for a short blowjob, or hand-job, or use your imagination.
I remember the ceiling was really low, designed for little people only, and it seemed empty a lot, but these pock-marked sleazeballs used to sneak in there and grope away. It happened all the time.
My father was a sick man and never hesitated to tell me about sex crimes against the under-aged. I think he got off on it in some weird way.
But, being an only child, I often would venture into Pizza Bunny’s most foreboding chamber by myself. It reeked like a Port-A-Potty. Everything there was constantly being pissed on, but I’ll get into that later. Sometimes kids would even shit in there. Still, I’d go in for a “surprise” until, after a few years of complaints, Pizza Bunny shut that room down.
Years later, I went to Chicago’s premiere gay porn theater/cruising joint, The Bijou. As I took in the Bijou’s smell of open-asshole and cum, while I was cruising down blow job alley, gazing at the glory holes, I was reminded of Pizza Bunny.
I’m surprised that Pizza Bunny didn’t have a sex-swing suspended from its ceiling somewhere. Maybe it did, and I never noticed it. I was too busy wondering what weirdo was lurking in the corner eyeing me up and down back then. It was a similar feeling to that I had when I visited The Bijou, except they do have a sex swing. I think whoever designed The Bijou must have had something to do with the design of that Pizza Bunny.
The Pizza Bunny ball pit was another treat. It seems like most places would keep their ball pits at around two feet deep, so that you could easily move around and stand up if you had to. The Pizza Bunny ball pit went four feet down.
I remember this because, many times, my small ass got trapped underneath the balls and some stinking, shit-covered piglet climbed on top of me and I almost suffocated. My mom also told me that she had many memories of me disappearing in the ball pit for hours on end.
For some reason, kids reverted to hamster behavior in the pit. Each ball had its own special scent of piss and shit mixed with barf and bologna–the way that kids who smell each have their own smell.
At least at the splooge-basted Bijou, they hose the equipment off, and I’m sure that similar bodily fluids were not foreign to this ball pit. It was so sick. And getting stuck in there and trying to come up for air when some 200-pound blob with big gym shoes is stepping on your head is not pleasant.
I don’t understand why the pit was four feet deep, except so that adults could wade in for whatever purpose. Yes, they allowed adults in the ball pit.
And then there were the tunnels.
The tunnels, again, were big enough for adults, so they’d stuff their fat asses into them and create huge traffic jams. I recall, on certain occasions, unfortunately running into some nasty perv who had plopped into the tube and then having them proposition me.
Actually “proposition” is not quite the right word. I didn’t know what they were doing at the time, but an adult sitting in a piss-stained tunnel–just, like, “hanging out”–is a rather bizarre sight.
They were probably the ones pissing in there too, because the kids were running around, but the adults would just stay in one place and try to play with random kids. Even at a young age I remember thinking this place was fucked up.
Another time the Pizza Bunny himself–some teenager in an Italian rabbit costume–came out and tried to choke me when I hugged him. I mean, he just choked me, and I wasn’t one of those asshole kids that like fucked with him or pulled on his tail or tried to knock his head off. All I did was go up to the Pizza Bunny and try to hug him and he fucking choked me.
After about 70 reports of wrong-doing, the authorities tore down the Pizza Bunny and made way for a less fucked up Little Caesars. It was sort of sad to see it go, because I cannot remember a single place that was so sleazy.
Pizza Bunny was a beautiful place. It was where I learned to feel love, and I will never forget it.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:19 am
here is the original, uncensored, unedited, version of this story.
I was remembering certain fucked up aspects of my childhood lately, and believe me there are a lot, but I remember this place recently, and when I think about it now, it was the most completely fucked up place that was ever designed for kids. Whoever designed it must have been some fat greasy pedophile who managed to sneak his mangy ass in to some job designing chuck e cheeses because more kids managed to get molested at this place in such a short amount of time than any other place that I can remember. Among the piss soaked playgrounds and ball pits and tunnels and hard wood and hot slides that I would split my lips on because I would slip and fall, and all the tube slides I’d get stuck in and almost suffocate because some fat ass decided to go ahead of me and plug the shit up, this was by far the dirtiest, most disgusting playland.
First of all, and worst of all, there was this room which could not have been designed for anything else EXCEPT for kids to get molested in. I remember it was this room that was about 12 feet by 12 feet and whatever genius designed it decided that it would have lights that would go on for about 20 seconds, and then flash on and off like twice and then it would stay dark for like two full minutes. More than enough time to molest a kid, or for a short blow job, or hand job, or use your imagination. I remember the cieling was really low, designed for only kids seemingly, and it seemed empty a lot, but these pock marked sleazeballs used to sneak in there and touch kids. It happened all the time. My father was a sick man and never hesitated to tell me about people getting busted for child porn, or people molesting their babies, or what people did to their kids. I don’t know, I think he got off on it in some weird way. But, being an only child, I often would venture into this dark room by myself, which reeked of piss. That was another thing about this place, is that EVERYTHING was constantly being pissed on, but I’ll get into that later. But yea it smelled like a porta potty. Sometimes kids would even shit in there, but the worst is that they’d get touched in there. It was fucking sick. Adults would bring their pedophile fantasies, little kids in there and then woohooo the lights would go out and they’d get a suprise. Now after about two years of getting complaints of kids getting molested in this room, they finally decided to shut it down.
I’d love to meet the genius who decided that a completely dark, disgusting, piss smelling, ass smelling room was a good “fun” place for a kid to play in. And I had been to different Chuck E. Cheezes, and they did not have rooms like these. This room definatley got ok’d by some crazy kid toucher. It was a pedophile’s dream. When I went to the gay bathhouse, the bijou, among the smell of open asshole and cum, while I was cruising down blow job alley, gazing at the glory holes, I was reminded of this room. I’m suprised they did not have a sex swing in this room, or maybe they did, and I never noticed it. I was too busy wondering who was the weirdo lurking in the corner eyeing me up and down, a similar feeling to which I had when I visited the bijou, except they did have a sex swing. I think whoever designed the bijou, or these gay bathhouses had something to do with the design of this Chuck E. Cheese’s.
This dark room was not the only weird feature of this place, besides the room with the flashing lights, they had these tunnels everywhere, and a ball pit, but there was nothing normal about this playland. I thought they had regulations for ball pits, like usually they’re only about 2 feet or at most 2 and a half feet, but this one was about four feet deep. I remember this because I remember many times getting my small ass trapped underneath the balls and then having some smelly shit covered kid climb on top of me and almost suffocating. My mom also told me that she had many memories of me disappearing in the ball pit for hours on end. And the ball pit was not free of the shit or piss smell. Kids for some reason acted like hampsters in these balls and would piss all over them, they were all covered. Each ball had its own special scent of piss and shit mixed with barf and bologna. The way kids that smell have their own smell. I thought there would be some type of regulation with this. I mean at least at the cum filled bijou, they hose the equiptment off, and I’m sure that bodily fluids like cum were not foreign to this ball pit. It was so sick. And getting stuck in these smelly shitpissbolognacumballs and trying to come up for air when some fat 200 pound kid with big ass gym shoes is stepping on your head is not pleasant. I don’t understand why they were four feet, except so that adults could come in (and yes they allowed adults in the ball pit) and get or give a quick hand job, while under the guise of playing with kids at Chuck E. Cheeses.
They later instated this rule that if you were over 18, you needed to be with a kid or you could not come in; I guess to get all the pedophiles out who didn’t already have some young victim to lure into this pedophile bathhouse. And then there were the tunnels. Tunnels, again, big enough for adults, that they’d stuff their fat asses into, and like make huge traffic jams, and I remember on certain occasions unfortunately running into some nasty perv who had plopped his fat ass in the tube and then having them proposition me, well not proposition me exactly. I didn’t know what they were doing at the time, but an adult sitting in a piss stained tunnel, just like hanging out, is a rather bizarre sight. They were probably the ones pissing in there too because the kids were running around, the adults would just stay in one place and try to play with random kids. Even at a young age I remember thinking this place was fucked up. And then one time a chuck e cheese came out and tried to choke me when I hugged him. I mean he just choked me, and I wasn’t one of those asshole kids that like fucked with him or pulled on his tail or tried to knock his head off. All I did was go up to him and try to hug him and he fucking choked me. After like I don’t know 70 reports of molestation they started shutting parts of this place down. Of course the first place to go was the dark room, then the ball pit shrunk, then it went away all together. Then they tore it down and made a way less fucked up Little Ceasears. It was sort of sad to see it go, because I cannot remember a single place that was so sleazy. And this was in Schaumburg, which now is a rich suburb, but at the time it wasn’t so trashy at all. It took them way too long to close this place though. They waited until, this was my dad’s figure, like I said, about 70 kids got molested.
There was another thing that was unique about this place. It was the only place I knew which had a seperate place for kids and adults. It had an adult corral. It was almost like they WANTED the parents to stay the fuck away from the scary ball pit and the tunnels filled with fat pedophiles and the pervs lurking in the corners of the dark room. Playgrounds have changed a shitload since I was a kid. They don’t have those hot slides that burn your ass and your legs when you’re trying to go down them and they’re not made of wood so you get a bunch of slivers all over your hands and feet. Playgrounds for children are still playplaces for pedophiles, but there will never be one like this wonderful Chuck E. Cheeses. It will never exist again. Until some perverts band together and make a new crazy pedophile bathhouse. It was a beautiful place, and a place I’ll never forget.