June 7, 2007

when i think about it sometimes i hate you

Filed under: danila botha — ABRAXAS @ 12:23 pm

Mom the thing you did that was the worst
the one thing I can never forgive you for
is saying that my rape
that happened when I was 18
by a boyfriend
i’d known for almost two years
wasn’t so bad
or a big deal
because it wasn’t rape by a stranger
in an alleyway
you said it more than once
tried to minimize the worst thing i ever went through
because you felt guilty for not being able to protect me
dont think i don’t know that
and instead of just admitting that
you made me blame myself for being dramatic
mom when i think about it sometimes i really
and truly hate you
but i never wish even for a second
that you knew how bad it was
what i really did go through
in my life
and for the last few years
i’m really glad you don’t know mom
what you’re talking about
i really am

8 Responses to “when i think about it sometimes i hate you”

  1. kagablog: great art daily » carnival against sexual violence 25 Says:

    […] In “when i think about it sometimes i hate you” posted at kagablog: great art daily, we get a poem written to a mother who minimized the trauma of her daughter’s rape. […]

  2. seeing eye chick Says:

    I have lost count of the number of women I have met in which their mothers minimized their personal horror.
    Even the reasoning you give doesnt make that make sense to me.
    Thank you for sharing this.

  3. danila Says:

    aww no honey, thank you :) i think that there’s a lot of things in life that people don’t have the capacity to process. when bad things happen to people that are out of a person’s control, people like to be able to blame someone. i think it’s sad though when the wrong person gets blamed. remind all of the women that you know that that it’s not their fault. the only person that needs to be ashamed, keep a secret, or feel bad is the person that did it. no one deserves that, no one. thank you again for responding. :)
    love, danila :)

  4. Phoenix Says:

    My mother did the same thing. She said after she heard what I looked like when a FRIEND of hers picked me up at the police station (after I reported the rape) that “You didn’t look like you’d been raped.” Lovely. But it was typical of her. Even so, for years and years I kept hoping for her to give me more, to be a real mom. She never did. She’s completely out of my life, and I’m happy.
    I have a daughter that’s 15, the age I was when I was raped. I can’t imagine how sick my mother was to treat me the way she did. I’d never hurt my daughter like that.

  5. danila Says:

    hey phoenix…:) i’m sure you wouldn’t. :) that’s awful that she said that to you, i’m sorry to hear. :)
    it’s funny what people’s gut reactions are to things sometimes. xoxoxo

  6. danila Says:

    btw, if anyone needs or wants to talk about this or writing or anything…my email is gotnosecrets@gmail.com
    :) xoxo

  7. sara Says:

    I went through the same set up. I was raped by a boyfriend after almost 2 years together. Those I reached out to treated it as if it weren’t a problem, so I tried to believe the same. I began to act out and eventually, I had 2 acquaintance rapes on my hands. It tore my life apart. I have gone through many psychologists/therapists and still I do not feel closure with it all. The first time I was going to one, after one month my mom said “you’re still going?” I hate my mom when I think about all the rotten things she did/said to me. I love her, but I am still having a hard time letting go of the resentment. I feel guilty when I think about how much hate I have inside me for my family. Your poem puts it all in words I can relate to. And helps me accept that what I am feeling is normal.

  8. Lorena Says:

    I suppose there are mothers who can’t deal with the issue of rape so the only way they confront it is to minimize it. perhaps it frightens them, makes them face their own feelings of helplessness or their own feelings of vulnerability.
    when i told my mother how my pediatrician had fondled my breasts during an exam, the first thing out of her mouth was, “what did you do to make him think he could do that to you?” I was a 14 year old virgin at the time and wasn’t yet allowed to date. I hadn’t even gotten kissed a boy!