from the book of disquiet
462
I’ve never seen suicide as a solution, because my hatred of life is due to my love of life. It took me a long time to be convinced of this unfortunate mistake in how I live with myself. Convinced of it, I felt frustrated, which is what I always feel when I convince myself of something, since for me each new conviction means another lost illusion.
I killed my will by analysing it. If only I could return to my childhood before analysis, even if it would have to be before I had a will!
…
Far-away palaces, pensive parks, narrow paths in the distance, the dead charm of stone benches where no one sits anymore - perished splendours, vanished charm, lost glitter, O my forgotten yearning, if I could only recover the grief with which I dreamed you!
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