the big bawl
im coming down from being
high on a ridge
looking out on the vast landscape
of my own being
breadcrumbs crumbling
under the weight of my own
tears flowing like
a river my head
is aching..
my temple pulsates
as the sun shines
i am reminded
of crows circling
her body
swooping in
to pick at her eyes..
i remember the day they found her
broken up by the wayside,
i, a simple boy watching the flies
buzz swoop and saw
their booty..
later me being chased away
by the elders.
high on a ridge,
i see that boy
i see my own mother
leaving me there
by the airport,
the planes falling from the sky,
a sad goodbye
forever.
now as i sit and ponder
and wonder
my head aches hems and haws
i feel the stress of my pain
seeping
through my veins
my limbs my muscles
and god
this is the most pain
i have felt
in a long long time
i havent the strength
to call out
or scream out
i sit and feel
the terror
of such anxiety,
like when i saw
my mother
at the kitchen table
clutching her head
bawling out ..
loud
till the neighbours
came
and took me away.
..that is how i feel.
they say its the stress of the past
nine months
the past of my past
the fear of the future
future
im hurting now,
the pills dont make it
go away
nothing does
im blinded by my own need
to let go
let grow
into a kinder opening
cus god knows
i need it..
i know.. im not the only person who feels this way
but in my ego
eco system
its jus me and my children
and their own need
to hold and caress
and keep
life’s light alive
in their beings..
and
.. im incapable
of even doing that
..for them
right now.





