i promise you that i haven’t painted all the windows black or have been adding up bible tracts and cross referencing them with fortune cookie messages…yet.
fever vein pumps crazy juice and visions into my system darkening my blood with fear. they strip me down and put me on a medical table. they hook my head up with electrodes and cover my eyes with bandages. the ubiquitous “this might hurt” is thrown into the room like an antiquated incantation, might as well be “abracadabra” or “happy birthday”. a nervous laugh is inching up my throat. this is so funny i might piss myself. and do.
in a flash of piss and white, numbers stream into my brain in black type (as if punched from spidery typewriter arms being tickled by a meth head who also doubles as a mathematical genius). i’m flooded with equations, theorems with sharp mouths waiting to be equalled… with flesh? how the fuck can numbers eat flesh?
at once the pain stops and i am speeding across the face of the world viewing everything at once. when i awake at the party the blur of these images remain condensed and are unable to be reconstituted. i don’t try. there is music here and laughing.
i amuse the guests, that is my role and i play the game that has been set out for me. the game is challenging. i run on broken glass, uprooted concrete, torn pieces of furniture, and end up running away from the guests on a length of sand. the party gets small, looks like a blemish on the distance until it becomes unrecognizable.
the sand sparkles and is cool beneath my feet. i feel as though i can run miles upon it. i can’t believe how fast i am moving. someone calls out for me to fetch them a drink. apparently, i have gone nowhere. the thirsty man thinks this is funny. he is my dad. others chide him for making fun of me but they are laughing too. i don’t care if i’m funny because i know in my heart i can run so fast that it doesn’t matter. after dad gets his drink i will show them how fast.
i see a road and follow its curve down streets that i don’t know. this running is liberating, it is lighting up my mind. i begin to feel that it is possible to fly. i see two women shouting and pointing upwards as i pass.
i stop and look up to see another woman who is not entirely human. she has become something else. she is standing in mid-air. her bluish face stares down at me from the tip of the tree she has become balanced upon. she is so blue she looks like shiva or kali, there is a geometrical pattern lightly etched into her face. i ask her if she will teach me. then, surprising myself, i leap straight up onto a wall at the base of the tree. i begin to suspect that perhaps i can do what she can do, but don’t allow myself to believe that. she is laughing at me because she can hear my thoughts.
“i will teach you what i know on one condition, afterwards you must promise to kill me.” without hesitation, i agree to the terms. she leaps down from the tree and floats to earth now looking less blue and more human than before. we grab each others hands and begin to spin. as we spin we sing:
she: “i don’t want to live”
me: “i don’t want to die”
we sing these lines over and over laughing and spinning until we fall to the ground like little girls playing a harmless game. as we catch our breath she begins to grow. she is now twice her size and has become a giant. i climb onto her back which is large and quite warm. it is then that we begin our ascent into the sky. i rest my cheek on the blade of her shoulder and wonder what will become of me.

